Our children aren't trying to make our lives difficult; they are simply perfect mirrors reflecting the parts of us that still need love and attention. When your child's behavior makes you react disproportionately, it is rarely about the behavior itself.
The mirror of behavior
We often find ourselves reacting with anger, frustration, or panic to everyday situations. It might be a tantrum at the supermarket, a refusal to get dressed, or a simple "no". What is really happening inside us is not a response to the child in front of us, but an echo of the past.
"We don't react to what our children do; we react to the unprocessed emotions their behavior awakens in us."
This concept, central to Dr. Shefali's work and Dr. Gabor Maté's Compassionate Inquiry, invites us to pause and observe. What is really scaring or angering me in this moment?
Returning to the pause
The first step to changing this dynamic is introducing a small pause between the stimulus (what your child does) and your response. In that fraction of a second lies your freedom and your power to choose a different reaction.
The next time you feel anger or stress rising in your body, try this:
- Breathe deeply and notice where you feel the tension in your body.
- Ask yourself: "What does this remind me of? When did I feel like this in the past?"
- Remind yourself that you are the adult now, and you are safe.
This is not an overnight process. It's a gentle path, full of stumbling blocks and learning. But with every pause, you are breaking generational patterns and building a real connection with your child.